It could have been better

Recently, while having a quiet family dinner in a Fine Dine Restaurant with my wife and 12 year old Son Adi, my wife asked our Son to fill the feedback form and reminded him to mention that the Paneer dish was very bad. It was indeed. Adi took a pause to look at us and filled the feedback form.  Amused at his feedback, my wife showed me the form saying our Son is so diplomatic. He had written – “The Paneer dish could have been better”. I agreed with my wife smilingly. Then I saw our Son’s expression and realized. No, he isn’t being diplomatic. He’s just being kind and compassionate. He just had a nice dinner at a cozy restaurant. Out of the 4 to 5 dishes ordered, the cook had messed up one dish. So my son was just appreciating these facts and trying to be nice to them at the same time giving away our grievance with that messed up dish.

This led me to ponder over the issue of being diplomatic and being compassionate in our day to day life. As humans, we are always eager to criticize when we come across others’ mistake. That’s much easier to do and it appeases our fragile ego.  Where we find it difficult to criticize due to protocols / relationships factor, we take the cover of diplomacy. We pretend to be nice when we actually are boiling inside to give it back.  In almost all cases, the receiver is always able to make out when you are diplomatic.

Diplomacy arises out of compulsion and helplessness. Whereas being compassionate comes out of the need to be kind and nice to people.  It comes from within. The pure intention to help the person feel better about themselves at the same time helping them realize their shortcomings.

Now, there is a thin line between being diplomatic and being compassionate. So how do we recognize whether a person is diplomatic or trying to be compassionate. I guess, by the tone and expression of the person. Which in most cases are even more difficult to make out with seasoned actors.  For e.g. I tend to drive my Car safely at a decent speed partly due to lack of super confidence and partly because I don’t like to drive roughly.  So I always get these comments – You drive very safely or we feel safe while you drive.  (except a bunch of friends who will vehemently disagree with this, hahaha).  I find it difficult to comprehend whether they are being sarcastic or being kind or being honest with their comments. Also, analyzing their tone and expressions becomes difficult when these comments lands from the backseat of the Car while I am driving.

However, people who are at the business of selling are good at balancing their comments between diplomacy and compassionate. A sales guy at a store will never tell a obese girl who picks up a 34 size jeans – “Maam you are too fat, you won’t get into that, you will have to go for the 38 size”. No, he will always tell her “Maam, you are on a healthier side, let me show you 38 size jeans, it will be more comfortable for you”.  No prizes for guessing which guy gets a smile and thanks when the deal is closed.

A few examples where we can be more compassionate instead of  being diplomatic –

-         A new haircut – It’s different. But I guess the earlier one was better.

-         New Dress – Hey, it’s nice. But somehow I don’t feel comfortable with that color combination.

-         Mistakes in office work – You did put in lots of efforts. But these mistakes are overshadowing your efforts, be careful next time. (Trust me, have come across these comments and let me tell me it makes a huge positive difference in your work when you get these comments)

-         Power Point Presentations – Hey am impressed. You have improved so much from your last presentation. Work on the pauses and hand movements, it will do wonders to your presentations.

And……..when you have a dish gone wrong on your table, take my 12 year old Son’s advice – “it could have been better”.  It makes a huge difference. Words matter.

Village Musings

This was probably my first visit to my native village and its vicinity during raining season.  Why is it so special? Well, the climate and the topography is completely different in rainy season compared to the scorching heat, the perspiring sweat, the humid climate and the dry barren farmlands with light brownish mud and dry golden leaves in the Summer.

Rainy season makes the land cooler with a  breathtaking scenery of lush green rice fields and a cool breeze which is on the verge of turning chilly.

The last I visited my native was in June this year. Before that   it has been random visits in a gap of 5 years or so. A striking observation was that the villages have developed drastically in terms of technology and economy however the small districts and towns have more or less remained the same. Almost seems like they are waiting for the villages to catch up with them.

One major factor for this development is the rapid infrastructure, more specifically the road networks and the consequent transportation access.  Ironically, in the process, these villages have lost the old world charm of muddy roads, narrow lanes and the quaint pollution less abode. There is hardly any difference between the villages and the small towns. Its only when you move deeper inside the villages  into the farm fields that you connect to the village of your childhood.

The people seemed to have accepted the change, rather have ensured that they brought about this change which can be seen from the pride on their faces when they talk about the easy accessibility to their villages. I guess only the Cows, Sheep and other domestic animals are finding it difficult to come to terms with these developments. They sit cozily on the tar roads and hardly bother about the vehicular traffic around them.  The vehicles sometimes have to slide out of the roads to move ahead unable to argue with these confused creatures which might be wondering why the roads seems so hotter and clean compared to the previous cooler and dusty roads.

Buses are the lifeline of these villages as the train is to Mumbai. The bus transportation system  runs in a co-operational alliance between state government and the private bus operators. Strangely, the State Transport Bus charges are comparatively higher than the Private Bus Operators. Wonder why the State Government is finding it difficult to further subsidize the bus fares when it can afford to distribute free laptops, Gas stoves, Grinders and other goodies. No one's complaining.  I guess it’s a marriage of convenience between the people and the Government.

The Food schedules/patterns here have been completely overhauled. I have experienced this on my previous visits but every time it baffles me. Nobody has a proper dinner at home. (Though didn't check this out this time). They have snacks like Idlis and Dosas at night- they call it Tiffin here. Even the Restaurants do not serve proper dinner offering the Tiffins at night.  Don't know the origin of this trend, but seems logical health wise as a light meal is good for digestion compared to the heavy loaded rice sambar combination. But for other visitors like me it seems like shifting from a day job to a graveyard shift job. Your eating pattern goes for a toss.

Apart from Bus transport, the other public mode of transport is the Auto-rickshaws. Amusingly, everyone in the village/small town has 3 - 5 Rickshaw wallas contacts in their mobile contacts living in their vicinity. Almost as if it was mandatory to produce a Rickshaw walla in each village like having  one soldier in Army from each village in Punjab. Most of the times, these Rickshaw wallas are either school mates/childhood friends or relatives or friends of relatives.  The Journey is never quiet. The Rickshaw walla will start a conversation enquiring about your village and end up discussing about the rainfall, politics, Amma and Karunanidhi.

Ironically, my  hunger for having a moment of solitude and time for myself was in dilemma when I was faced with the  abundance of time which seems to be moving in a snail's pace. The night life here is over once the sun sets in for the day. The social night life is negligent unless you are in the better part of the town where the markets and shopping zones are. In the darkness of the Village inside the house, in the absence of street lights, the only lights you catch a glimpse of outside is of the passing vehicles. By 8 pm you are done with your dinner and if you are short of gossips and idle chats, you end up on your bed waiting for the sun to rise next morning. It takes a lot of convincing to relax your mind to accept the new sleep schedule but then you wake up fresh at 4.30 am in the morning without the drowsy, dragging-yourself-out-of-the-bed routine in Mumbai.

Four things brings happiness in the lives of the people in these villages. The fall in the Gold Rates, the increase in the rainfall filling up the lakes, the Discounts on Clothing and Sarees during Festivals and purchase of fertile lands.  Besides these, they are happy in their space and do not stress themselves out.

For me, the drive  through the narrow roads lined on either sides with patches of red mud path disappearing into the lush green shrubs and trees providing shade to the hot tar roads cooling the pathway for a breezy journey was a blissful moment ...a brief pause over the frenzy jet speed life in my cherished Mumbai.....It led me to day dream of a life in the quiet serene surroundings where life moves on a pace of its own.    Like all journey that ends at the place you call your home, this journey too ends there.

Home is where  your Heart is. And My Heart is in Mumbai…. flawed it maybe...but I breathe the life in its polluted air, the crazy rush hour crowd, the race to catch up with time and the search for a moment of solitude  and happiness in the fast paced maddening routine.