It could have been better

Recently, while having a quiet family dinner in a Fine Dine Restaurant with my wife and 12 year old Son Adi, my wife asked our Son to fill the feedback form and reminded him to mention that the Paneer dish was very bad. It was indeed. Adi took a pause to look at us and filled the feedback form.  Amused at his feedback, my wife showed me the form saying our Son is so diplomatic. He had written – “The Paneer dish could have been better”. I agreed with my wife smilingly. Then I saw our Son’s expression and realized. No, he isn’t being diplomatic. He’s just being kind and compassionate. He just had a nice dinner at a cozy restaurant. Out of the 4 to 5 dishes ordered, the cook had messed up one dish. So my son was just appreciating these facts and trying to be nice to them at the same time giving away our grievance with that messed up dish.

This led me to ponder over the issue of being diplomatic and being compassionate in our day to day life. As humans, we are always eager to criticize when we come across others’ mistake. That’s much easier to do and it appeases our fragile ego.  Where we find it difficult to criticize due to protocols / relationships factor, we take the cover of diplomacy. We pretend to be nice when we actually are boiling inside to give it back.  In almost all cases, the receiver is always able to make out when you are diplomatic.

Diplomacy arises out of compulsion and helplessness. Whereas being compassionate comes out of the need to be kind and nice to people.  It comes from within. The pure intention to help the person feel better about themselves at the same time helping them realize their shortcomings.

Now, there is a thin line between being diplomatic and being compassionate. So how do we recognize whether a person is diplomatic or trying to be compassionate. I guess, by the tone and expression of the person. Which in most cases are even more difficult to make out with seasoned actors.  For e.g. I tend to drive my Car safely at a decent speed partly due to lack of super confidence and partly because I don’t like to drive roughly.  So I always get these comments – You drive very safely or we feel safe while you drive.  (except a bunch of friends who will vehemently disagree with this, hahaha).  I find it difficult to comprehend whether they are being sarcastic or being kind or being honest with their comments. Also, analyzing their tone and expressions becomes difficult when these comments lands from the backseat of the Car while I am driving.

However, people who are at the business of selling are good at balancing their comments between diplomacy and compassionate. A sales guy at a store will never tell a obese girl who picks up a 34 size jeans – “Maam you are too fat, you won’t get into that, you will have to go for the 38 size”. No, he will always tell her “Maam, you are on a healthier side, let me show you 38 size jeans, it will be more comfortable for you”.  No prizes for guessing which guy gets a smile and thanks when the deal is closed.

A few examples where we can be more compassionate instead of  being diplomatic –

-         A new haircut – It’s different. But I guess the earlier one was better.

-         New Dress – Hey, it’s nice. But somehow I don’t feel comfortable with that color combination.

-         Mistakes in office work – You did put in lots of efforts. But these mistakes are overshadowing your efforts, be careful next time. (Trust me, have come across these comments and let me tell me it makes a huge positive difference in your work when you get these comments)

-         Power Point Presentations – Hey am impressed. You have improved so much from your last presentation. Work on the pauses and hand movements, it will do wonders to your presentations.

And……..when you have a dish gone wrong on your table, take my 12 year old Son’s advice – “it could have been better”.  It makes a huge difference. Words matter.